Making Sense of It All

Sometimes you want to reach out and ask the universe for help. You wonder if you shout, if anyone will hear you, if anyone will come. But your problems aren’t the universe’s problem and your shouts get lost in the fog that surrounds the worlds and worlds of other problems and questions.

You wonder about strength, you wonder why people talk about it so much. Why do people talk about having it, about achieving it, about acquiring it, when the truth is they had it anyway. They did and you did and we did and sometimes strength isn’t what you’re looking for after all. It’s something more. It’s the knowledge to know that some things are beyond you. It’s the acceptance that your shouts at the universe will go unheard, that the questions you demand answers for will remain unresolved.

This then is the battle.

That and looking yourself in the mirror and knowing that where you are is the result of your actions. If you are able to look your eyes in the mirror then you can proceed. If you can’t meet your gaze, then something’s not right. Maybe you messed up. Maybe it’s the world that messed up. But if you look away then you’re giving in.

But really the problem is you’ve changed, and now the reflection in the mirror isn’t the one you have in your mind’s eye. The universe has changed you. Your decisions have changed you. Something happened to you and you’ll never be the same now, and perhaps it’s difficult to incorporate that into the image you see staring back at you.

And when bitterness floods your throat and winter wind rattles through your bones you stop asking the universe your questions. It’s not a good companion, anyway. It never answers you back. You’re sick of the sly mysticism, the flirtatious silence.

A part of you is frozen but the rest of you can function and that’s what’s important. You tell yourself to stop asking questions, to stop demanding, to keep the anger at bay, to stop thinking at all because you need some peace and quiet in your brain, for just a short while.

And through it all, you raise a clenched fist at the sky and tell it you don’t want to be treated that way anymore, that you’ve had enough of its lousy games. Find another companion. This one has better things to do.

 

 

 

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Want vs Need

So, do you feel needed or wanted?

I think the distinction between feeling needed and feeling wanted is an important one.

I don’t think I really want to feel needed so much as I want to feel wanted. And right now I feel like I am needed and not wanted. Like everyone only wants me there to fill some need, some role, that anyone else could just as easily fill. So I feel trapped by that.

I want to feel wanted. A part of me is wondering ‘would they notice if I wasn’t here’?

Actually, now that I really think about it… I haven’t felt especially needed or wanted in a while.

To quote Howard Jones “Things can only get better” … I really hope so.

In My Mind

I make a lot of mistakes in life, but these things I know:

 

– You are never in too much of a hurry to stop for a cuddle

 

– OneRepublic’s “Good Life” is one of the happiest songs ever composed

 

– The number of hours in the day to the amount of work that needs doing is never proportionate

 

– You will never be happy with the length of your hair

 

– I would love to have a gaggle of female friends to get together with for a drink once a week, but I think location and my personality preclude from that rather spectacularly

 

– Sunrises are overrated, particularly when you’ve had insomnia for a week

 

– The wait between finding and loving a good book and the release of the next in the series is unbearable

 

– Sometimes in order to move forward you have to let go of things behind you – even if they were good things – and you wish others would let go, too

 

– Your period will come at absolutely the most inconvenient times

 

– Family can bring about the best moments in the world

 

– Family can bring about the worst moments in the world

 

– Counting down to Christmas is part of the excitement

 

– Illness – like periods – also comes at the most inconvenient times

 

– You are only going to get something caught between your teeth when not in reaching distance of dental floss

 

– You will think of a brilliant sarcastic retort to the comment made by whoever 9.36 hours later, when the moment has not only passed but it has sailed into the sunset, and you are in bed and still smoldering

 

– Someone will always be better than you at something, you just have to feel proud with doing the best that you could’ve done

 

– Everything is better with cheese

 

– I don’t know where all the time has gone

 

– Snorkelling makes you forget about all your worries and woes

 

– Even when you know they’re just stalling to go to sleep, you are willing to go upstairs for the tenth goodnight kiss that has been requested by a cheeky monkey because someday those cheeky monkeys will grow up and won’t want that goodnight kiss

 

 

 

Things

  • May I see the things in front of me as they are, not as I think them to be.
  • May I walk the steps ahead of me one at a time, not wondering if there’s a map.
  • May I say the things that fix things, not break them further apart.
  • May I do what I need to do, not be distracted by what I can’t.
  • May I dream of what I hope for, not of what I fear.
  • May I love you like I love you, not as any other, but as me.

Journey

I struggle in my need to control things or to be constantly reassured in order to push away the fear of being left.

Most of the time I am OK.  But there are days that come along when I start to feel lost, start to feel needy.  And I forget that it is not
someone else’s responsibility to make me feel okay.  I forget that being okay is MY job.  Perhaps part of is being selfish, self-absorbed.  Part of it is forgetting who I am, forgetting that another person doesn’t “complete” me, another person is…another person.  Someone I like being around, someone who I feel happy just thinking about, someone in whose presence I am filled with a sense of peace and love and safety.  I forget those things in the absence of them, if time or circumstance prevents togetherness…and I succumb to fear.

Not always, no.  But sometimes. Yes sometimes I become afraid, become bound in the shallow pool of entitlement and begin trying to control the other person in order to feel relief from the pain of my bruised ego.  When this happens to me, I begin to feel insecure.  I act as if another person’s actions or words can make these feelings dissipate, I become anxious for them to do the things I want them to in order to feel better, and ultimately my words and actions become a wedge between us.

In a healthy relationship, we know our partner is not an extension of ourselves. I know that the only way to be nurtured and cared for is to provide those things for myself.   I don’t need to push him into trying to make me feel OK, because I already am OK (I just need to remind myself of that fact more often).

And so I work to relearn, reteach myself those things which I know but somehow continue to forget.

It’s all party of my journey, I suppose.  And that’s perfectly OK.

 

 

 

 

Feeling Important Vs. Feeling Wanted

By the time you finish reading this, if you do indeed manage to finish, chances are you will have done at least two of the following: glanced at your phone in hopes of receiving a text message, refreshed a comment thread on something you posted, or clicked on your Facebook bookmark (you definitely have it bookmarked; stop lying) for new messages, photo comments, wall postings, etc. While journalists, bonified culture critics and wise old people alike all love to mouth off about how self-absorbed our generation really is, we have news for you: we are just as self-absorbed as the men and women who came before us. We simply have the luxury of technology that reinforces to us (with statistics and hard numbers) that: yes, people care about what we have to say, and, indeed we look sexy in our masterfully posed profile pictures and, of course people are inspired by our witty commentary in 140 characters. We don’t want to be celebrities. We just want to feed our insatiable human desire to be known. To be heard. To be envied.

But feeling important should never be confused with feeling wanted.

When we feel important, much like a sip of Grey Goose on the rocks or a few shots of tequila, we might notice a warm, oozy feeling swirling around throughout our insides. We may also feel a bit light-headed, which is due to our heads growing larger with self-importance, mixed with a tingly sensation like disco balls exploding in our guts. Our confidence begins to manifest itself in ways so subtle they’re a collective mind fuck: we walk a little differently, we pause a few seconds more before answering a question, we suddenly know how to be coy without trying. This dangerously potent elixir is addictive. Feeling even a little important ignites a roaring fire we feed with constant updates. Constant checks. Constant refreshes. 4 out of 10 of us will end up on Intervention for this, and rehab will be out of the question because how the fuck are we supposed to tweet about our rehab experience if no phones or computers are allowed?

But feeling wanted, however intoxicating, feeds an altogether different monster. To want and be wanted are two of the most basic, primal sentiments. We learn to want when we are barely toddlers. We need to feel wanted even sooner. And the need to feel wanted by a significant other is indelible. When you know someone else truly wants you, and not just in a “I want you
soooooooo bad I’m going to fondle you under the table” kind of way, (which is also nice), you feel a certain sense of wholeness. Unlike the fleeting tingly sensations of self-importance, now you feel full. Ready to burst. You are not intoxicated; you are high. You can go a few hours, a day at most, without seeing or speaking to this person, but their presencevoicetouchlaugh is a drug you would smoke, snort, shoot up and swallow whole. You are perhaps in another part of the city or country or world, but you have a delicate thread weaving its way across miles and state borders and oceans, connecting you to someone and keeping you grounded in a really weird, inexplicable way. If you suddenly feel as if this person has stopped wanting you, the inches around you crumble like a dream sequence from Inception. You disappear from yourself. Do you exist?

Feeling important makes you an obsessive barbarian drunk on yourself. Feeling wanted makes you a human being high on someone else. Big diff. Learn your drugs.

(Repost from http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/on-feeling-important-vs-feeling-wanted/)