Feminine Wiles

“Wiles: Devious or cunning stratagems employed in manipulating or persuading someone to do what one wants” Source – Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Whenever I try to use my feminine wiles it always backfires.

Advertisements

The Battle

There’s a book called, “Every Woman’s Battle.” It is about the battle in our minds and our emotions. How often do we compare our husbands to someone else? Another woman’s husband…a co-worker…a family friend. We start innocently enough…

I wish MY husband would send me flowers for no reason like Beth’s does. He’s so romantic! I wonder what else he does for her?”

“Dave is always making plans for Date Night! Kylie is so lucky to have a husband like him. I wish my husband took the initiative once in a while.”

“Susan brags all the time about how her husband is always telling her she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. I wish my husband complimented me more often, he has no problem saying how hot other women are.”

What we’ve done is opened our hearts to someone who has no business being there. That’s dangerous territory. We are setting ourselves up for misery at best, and the ruination of lives at worst.

“What?” You may say…”I’m not having an affair! Good grief! How can these innocent complaints be anything CLOSE to an affair?” Well, they may not start out that way, but if you don’t nip it, you open more and more doors, until your heart is so hurt by what you’ve allowed yourself to believe (your husband isn’t good enough to you, someone else would meet your emotional needs better, etc) that you are open to the very thing you said you’d never do. It’s a slippery slope, and one that could be avoided if we nipped those thoughts.

I know marriage is hard. I am married to my best friend. We are so very close. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. But you know what? I’ve had to battle with this very subject. I have had to learn to take those thoughts and push them from my mind. Even in my strong marriage the temptation is there to compare my husband with others. I can imagine how much easier it is when you are in a marriage where your husband is emotionally distant.

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Thinking back over the past two years, many wonderful memories come to mind but the thing that I keep coming back to today is how blatantly obvious it is to me that my husband is the person on this earth that God had in mind for me to marry, and how no one else in the world could fill that role better or more completely than he does. He is my match beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I feel so blessed to have him as part of my life.

 

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 Upgrade Issues

This has been around for a few years but I still find it funny:

Dear Tech Support,

Two years ago, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in overall system performance – particularly in the complimentary and romance applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, installation of Husband 1.0 seems to have uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Passion 9.5, Seduction 3.8 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed such other undesirable programs as PS3 5.0, Mindless TV 3.0 and Couch Potato 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Feminine Wiles 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 ~~~

Dear Desperate,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command “C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create fatally files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPF’s, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

 

Stress

Dear Stress,

Thanks for inviting yourself in. I must tell you that you’ve been an unwelcome guest these past few days. Even though you were dominating the imaginary thumb war over the past couple of days I am pretty sure I won. Being home with two loony cats – one who appears to have consumed 100 Red Bulls  – has banished you. Life is Good! So thanks for the memory and stay outside next time.

Me