Bored because I have nothing to do but too lazy to start anything. I can’t be the only one.
“Some things you can’t go back to, some things need left alone
Don’t mess with memories of a life passed on
Oh some things you can’t go back to ’cause you let them slip away” ~Lyrics by Rosi Golan
Of late, I’ve been reading old emails and blog posts and journeying back through the past 3 years of my life and it’s all made me think and then sit up and think – nostalgia is not always a good thing.
You don’t get to choose, you just fall for someone. And you get this person who’s all right and wrong at the same time. Sometimes you love them so much, and other times they drive you completely insane, and no one can explain it. But the reason it’s so confusing is its love, and if love didn’t have challenges, what would be the point? No one said falling in love was going to be easy. There will be tears, laughter, anger, but it’s when you want to be together despite it all, that you know it is true love.
Here you are – hurting, waiting, wanting for something to change. You ask yourself about a hundred times, is it something you said? Maybe. And then you ask yourself a thousand more times, is it something you did? Possibly.
Here you are – this question must have crossed your mind more than a million times. ‘Cause for the seventh or eighth or maybe even the ninth time, you toss and turn in the middle of the dark night, in a dark silent room, listening to the rhythm of your own breath. You inhale, then exhale. You feel your heart beating in your chest. Then the question once again arises in your mind that longs to rest. Why?
Here you are – continuing to believe one day, someday, somehow your patience, your willingness to endure and your days of hurting, of waiting, of wanting, you’ll wake up to an end for all of those and a beginning of something better, something more.
Confusion is set within me.
I feel a desperate need to think with a clear head as thoughts start crossing my mind. Thoughts that make me feel as if I had no control.
I feel overtaken by everything that happens around me.
I start to realise that sometimes I need to clear the board again and start new. I know that I need to keep the good and delete the bad. It is hard for me to do that at times because emotions start to run through my veins. A deep silence within my heart and a pain that I cannot sustain. I see the hurt. The only thing crossing my mind is trying to heal the pain.
When I get hurt, I clam up and do not want to open up to anyone. I feel as if the world is closing on me and I have no room to breathe. No one to see. No one to even call upon.
I feel pain that has accumulated over the years and feel it has not diminished. I feel as if I have not learned a lesson because I allow this vicious cycle to happen. I need to put a stop to all the stupid nonsense that happens around me.
I know confusion in my life is not all about feelings and emotional state, it is about not having the clarity I need to be able to find the foundation of the pain.
I know the foundation of my pain and it is something that I am working on.
Confusion is temporary, as long as we know how to control it.