Out With The Old, In With The New

Happy New Year

So today is December 31, 2012 and we all know in just a few hours the year will come to a close and a new one will start. There is something about the first day of a new year that attracts us. In reality, we know that there’s no difference in this day than any other.

This year we were fed a steady-stream of end-of-the-world scenarios, including giant solar flares, planet-killing asteroids, and a calendar made by a civilization that couldn’t even foresee its own demise, let alone everyone elses’. There was no apocalypse. The world didn’t end.

What can I say about 2012 except it was great – it’s amazing how much can happen in one short year. Here’s to 2013!

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Blurry

Blurry

I am sitting here trying so hard to breathe… trying hard to remember when it was when I last felt this way, this particular mix of feeling angry, hurt, and disappointed.

I keep looking in my memories for fragments of little things that would help me remember but all is blurry. Or is it all locked where my mind dares not wander?

I will just go to bed now. I don’t want thoughts that would trouble me. Just silence. I will not try to remember… not a thing… just blankness and blur… and sleep… and I don’t want the dreams.

Tomorrow, it will all be forgotten as it will mix with the blur and blend into the numbness.

And I will be ok like that…

Wrath

Wrath

I feel too much pain that I wish I could roar it out. I want to scream, in anger, in pain, in both hope and desperation. I want to destruct and cause chaos; I want my surrounding to look like how I feel inside… a broken mess. I feel utter hate, raw hate… I feel resentment… and pain, too much pain… it’s pressing up against the back of my neck making my headache a million times worse. I want to inflict the pain I feel, so I won’t feel it anymore. Let my wrath haunt you and make your life as miserable as you’ve made mine…

Opinion

Opinion

I don’t ask for things, I just don’t. I call it pride; I call it self-preservation; why go through the process of sharing apart of myself with someone who might simply deny me what I ask.

My friend calls it cowardice. She says it’s more honorable to admit a want and/or need and have it denied, rather than suppressing it until I am no longer able to recognize it, let alone admit it. She said I weaken myself that way, rob myself of my rights, and allow others to do the same to me without even knowing.  

She asked me if I communicated my dismay to people who say or do things I don’t like. I don’t. Again, she said it made me sound more like I was afraid to speak my mind despite how blunt and opinionated I come off to anyone. It sort of caught me by surprise… at some point I crossed the line between practicing tolerance and not expressing or communicating my discontentment. And it all goes to the reason of not demanding what I think I deserve. Sad.