2020 is definitely a year we will never forget. The plot of 2020 feels like it’s been decided by a large, invisible hand spinning a chaos wheel. The year kicked off with continent-engulfing fires, followed by a global pandemic that has not yet been contained. What fresh hell could possibly come next, we thought? From feral monkeys to disappearing stars, just when we thought it couldn’t get more bizarre, it did.
In all likelihood, you’ll experience the memory of events from earlier in the year like they’re from a bygone era, a time when humanity was more innocent and naïve and less, you know, on the brink of total societal collapse. Or maybe you were just bombarded by so many unfathomable news stories that you missed some or deleted others from memory to make room for… everything else that happened.
What you are about to read actually took place in the span of just 12 months. As strange and unbelievable as some of these seem, they all did indeed occur this year. So get ready to enter the Twilight Zone, friends! Let’s defy logic together as we walk down the 2020 memory lane.
January
* 1 global coronavirus case on January 1. Global Cases
* Fires burn a continent. Australia faced one of its most devastating wildfire seasons as the blazes continued from December 2019 into the new year and burned a record 47 million acres, displaced thousands of people and killed at least 34 people. Australian Fires
* Eruption of Taal Volcano. While there may not have been an eruption for four decades, the volcano has clearly been restless for a very long time. Taal Volcano wakes and starts a year of wild weather. 2020 Volcanic Activity
* Indonesian Floods. Floods and landslides caused by torrential rain in Jakarta, Indonesia, kill at least 53. Indonesian Floods
* The USA almost started World War 3. The Pentagon announced that President Trump had ordered the assassination of Iranian general Qassem Soleimani, who was killed via drone strike. The death of a man, who is widely seen as the second most powerful figure in Iran, sparked speculations that World War 3 might begin. WW3
* 6.4 magnitude earthquake in Puerto Rico. The island’s largest earthquake in a century, followed by many aftershocks kill 1 person and destroy 800 homes. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51023554
* Prince Harry and Meghan Markle quit royal family. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex shocked both sides of the pond when they announced they were stepping down as “senior” royals. Harry & Meghan
* Covid-19. Chinese authorities confirmed that they had identified a new virus— temporarily named “2019-nCoV.” Today it is known as the Covid-19 Coronavirus. COVID-19 January Timeline
* The weather went wild. According to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, in 141 years of climate records, there has never been a hotter January. Climate
* Impeachment of President Donald Trump. The US president faced an impeachment trial in January on charges that he asked Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter. He was ultimately acquitted by the Senate on Feb. 5. Impeachment
* A snowball fight in British Columbia, Canada was postponed because of too much snow. When a snowstorm hit Vancouver in January, the unimaginable happened — the roads were too icy and there was too much snow for the University of British Columbia’s annual snowball fight. Snowball Fight
* Planters Peanuts killed their mascot. Planters Peanuts decided to have him be reborn as, I kid you not, “baby nut.” Later in the year we also got a teenaged version of the spokesnut, suggesting a truly horrifyingly fast aging process for sentient sales peanuts. Mr Peanut Passed
February
* 11,953 global coronavirus cases on February 1. Global Cases
* Twiggy the illegally waterskiing squirrel. A water-skiing squirrel was banned from several Canadian cities for participating in the sport illegally. Squirrel Breaks Law
* Palindrome Day: February 2, 2020 – the date 02022020 – reads the same forward and backward including in the US and China (last one like this 11 November 1111).
* Telescopes detect ‘biggest explosion since Big Bang. The biggest cosmic explosion ever detected from a super-massive black hole in 390 million lights years away, (size of 15 Milky Ways). The blast in the Ophiuchus galaxy cluster left a cavity 15 times bigger than our Milky Way galaxy. Big Bang
* Swarms of Locusts. Hundreds of billions of locusts swarm across East Africa leads Somalia to declare national emergency, largest in 25 years. Later the swarm reached South Sudan, threatening a food crisis. Locust Swarm
* Antarctica Heatwave. Antarctica records high temperature of 64.9 F / 18.2 C at Esperanza, Argentina’s research station. Antarctica Melts
* Snow falls in Baghdad, Iraq. This is only the second time in a century. Iraq Sees Snow
* A Zamboni driver won an NHL game. With their main goalies down, emergency backup goalie David Ayres was called upon to take the net for the Hurricanes. Ayres, a Toronto-area Zamboni driver, didn’t just take the ice. He won. And at age 42, became the oldest goalie in NHL history to win his debut game. Zamboni Star
* 40,000 bees attacked police in Texas. The swarm of bees covered the entire block. Bees attack police
March
* 87,137 global coronavirus cases on March 1. Global Cases
* World-wide Pandemic. The World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the outbreak of COVID-19 a pandemic, after the disease caused by the new coronavirus spread to more than 100 countries and led to tens of thousands of cases within a few months. Global Pandemic Declaration
* A Welsh town was overrun by a group of vagabond goats. With the human residents inside due to coronavirus lockdown, the goats took plenty of opportunity to thrive, grazing on everything from peoples’ flower beds to the church’s lawn. Gang of Goats
* Monkeys took over a city in Thailand. Thousands of hungry monkeys stormed Lopburi, Thailand in search of food. Not only did they find it, months later police declared the monkeys had truly taken over and trying to stop them was “pointless.” Monkey Gang Wars
* Stock market crash of 2020. The coronavirus pandemic triggered a global recession as numerous countries went into lockdown. The Dow Jones industrial average suffered its worst single-day point drop ever on March 9. Stock Market Crash
* “Once in a century” winter in Moscow the hottest in 140 years with average temperature 7.5 C (13.5 F) with virtually no snow. Moscow’s snowless winters
* Olympics cancelled. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo were officially canceled and rescheduled for 2021 due to the COVID-19 pandemic. No Summer Olympics
April
* 823,626 global coronavirus cases on April 1. Global Cases
* Mass Shooting in Canada. A man allegedly dressed as a police officer in Nova Scotia killed 16 people, making it one of the deadliest mass shootings in Canadian history. Canada Mass Shooting
* Kim Jong-Un death rumors. After a lot of confusion, conspiracies and rumors, South Korea told the media that Kim Jong-Un was “alive and well,” even though there was mass speculation that the dictator had died. The North Korean supreme leader fueled speculation that he was either gravely ill or dead after he missed events commemorating his grandfather Kim Il-sung on April 15. He re-emerged 20 days later in photos released by state media at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. Kim Jong-Un Rumored Dead
* Pentagon releases UFO videos. In any other year this probably would have been the biggest story on the planet but it happened to occur in 2020 so it was reduced to just something a bit weird. The Department of Defense released three videos of … well, to be honest, they’re not really sure. The footage captured by Navy pilots shows physics-defying flying objects, which one astrophysicist who briefed the department described as “off-world vehicles not made on this earth.” Alrighty! To be fair, the Pentagon didn’t actually call it a UFO, opting instead for the verbiage of “unidentified aerial phenomena.” UFO
May
* 3,175,207 global coronavirus cases on May 1. Global Cases
* Giant murder hornets arrived in North America. Just when you thought 2020 could not get any worse. Now we have giant “murder hornets” with freakish eyes and a venomous sting. Murder Hornets
* A lynching in Georgia. Video footage of an unarmed black man, Ahmaud Arbery, was released from February showing Arbery being gunned down and killed by two white men while he was jogging in a Georgia neighborhood. Jogger killed in Georgia
* George Floyd was killed by a Minneapolis police officer who had his knee on Floyd’s neck for almost nine minutes. Floyd’s death caused an uproar across the globe, with protests popping up worldwide. Murder of George Floyd
* Black Lives Matter protests. The police-involved killings of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor this year sparked a wave of peaceful — and sometimes violent — demonstrations and riots across the world to demand an end to police brutality and racial injustice.
* NASA detected a parallel universe in Antarctica where time runs backwards. A group of NASA scientists working on an experiment in Antarctica have detected evidence of a parallel universe — where the rules of physics are the opposite of our own, according to a report. Parallel Universe in Antarctica
* Someone stole 1,450 kilograms (3000+ pounds) of rice in Canada. A tipster informed police that the stolen rice was being sold online. Rice Theft
* Elon Musk and Grimes named their baby X Æ A-12 Musk. There was some dispute as to whether the baby’s name was legal as the use of numbers in a name is outlawed by California law, leading the proud parents to call the child X Æ A-Xii instead.
Actually, Elon Musk pulled more shit in 2020 than anyone can be bothered to remember. So let’s run through a recap of some of Musk’s greatest 2020 hits: getting red pilled, predicting COVID-19 panic was overblown and cases would be down to zero by April, raging against stay-at-home orders to put his employees’ health at risk, vowing to sell all his possessions, continuing to cast unfounded doubt on COVID testing, getting COVID despite calling it bogus, being mad at people for having pronouns in their bios, and blew up his rocket launch.
* Cannibal Rats. The CDC warned New Yorkers about aggressive, cannibal rats due to a shortage in the garbage they usually eat. Cannibal Rats
* A Bolivian orchestra was trapped in a castle by wolves. The Bolivian orchestra was been stranded in a German castle for 73 days during the pandemic. The castle’s woodlands are home to several packs of wolves. Orchestra Trapped by Wolves
* Hurricane seasons comes early. Before the hurricane season officially began on June 1, there already had two named storms: Arthur and Bertha, then came Cristobal, the third named storm of the season, and that pushed us into the record books. There were a record-breaking 30 named storms in the Atlantic Hurricane Season, with meteorologists needing to resort to identifying storms with letters of the Greek alphabet after running out of prepared names.
*Poland accidentally invaded Czech Republic. Actually…maybe it’s a good tactic. You take your army to another country hoping that nobody will care, and if they spot you, you’re just like “oh, it’s your territory, we didn’t know.” Poland accidentally invaded Czech Republic
* Planet of the Covid Apes. A group of monkeys in India broke into a lab and stole blood samples from suspected COVID-19 patients. The monkeys apparently climbed trees and chewed on the samples’ packaging. Planet of the Covid Apes.
June
* 6,057,853 global coronavirus cases on June 1. Global Cases
* Ebola decided to make a come back in the congo. Ebola Outbreak
* Trump tear gassed peaceful protesters, journalists, priests, and bystanders for a photo op with a bible Trump tear gassed peaceful protesters
* Trump announced a rally in Tulsa on June 19, a day celebrated as a holiday commemorating the end of slavery. Trump’s decision to have it that day—in a city with a painful, violent history of racism—angered people, and in the end, he relented, somewhat, moving it to the next day. Juneteenth
* TikTok users foil Trump’s rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The event was supposed to mark a return to campaigning after months of Covid-19 lockdown, with nearly 20,000 people in attendance. It was totally ruined for him by TikToker’s, Twitter and K-pop fans coordinated a campaign flood the Trump website for reserving tickets with fake names, phone numbers and emails and then never attend the rally. TikTok Fans Tank Trump Rally
* Sahara dust cloud. The cloud, Nicknamed “Godzilla” for its unusually large size, the plume of dust traveled over 4,000 miles from the Atlantic Ocean to the Caribbean Sea and Gulf of Mexico. Godzilla Dust Cloud
* A star went missing. Stars, as in those in outer space, don’t traditionally vanish without a trace. It’s just not something that they do. However, that’s exactly what happened to a star that was 2.5 million times brighter than the Sun. Normally, when a star much larger than our sun reaches the end of its life, it erupts in an enormous supernova explosion. The possibility in this case is that the star never recovered from its outburst, but instead collapsed into a black hole without going supernova, meaning it potentially created “a black hole measuring 85 to 120 times the mass of Earth’s sun. Gigantic Star Disappears
July
* 10,357,662 global coronavirus cases on July 1 Global Cases
* More than 360 elephants died in mysterious circumstances in Botswana in the past three months Here
* Kanye West ran for president, and was endorsed by Chance the Rapper and Elon Musk. Kanye West Presidential Campaign
* Wayfair sex trafficking. People honest-to-god believed in a baseless conspiracy theory about Wayfair sex trafficking children through furniture cabinets Wayfair Child Conspiracy Theory
* Twitter was hacked. A group allegedly spearheaded by a Florida teen took over the Twitter accounts of prominent business and political figures — including Joe Biden, Bill Gates, Elon Musk and Kanye West — in a bitcoin scam. Twitter Hack
* Mystery seeds arrive from China. Tiny bags of unlabeled mystery seeds from China were mailed to a ton of people in all 50 US states. Despite the United States Department of Agriculture essentially begging folks not to put mystery seeds from an unknown sender into the ground, a bunch of people who’ve clearly never seen Little Shop of Horrors promptly started gardening. This prompted a warning from the USDA, telling residents that received the seeds not to plant them but to file a report. Other people apparently ate their mystery seeds? I mean really, how did we, as a species, make it this far? Mystery Seeds from China
August
* 17,396,943 global coronavirus cases on August 1 Global Cases
* Beirut, Lebanon’s port area was devasted by an explosion. The accidental detonation of 2,750 tons of ammonium nitrate, killed at least 190 people and injured thousands of others. Beirut Port Explosion
* There was a reverse waterfall in Australia. A waterfall went backwards in Australia. As wind gust reached 70km/h, several waterfalls in the Royal National Park near Sydney actually started to be blown backwards creating a literally reverse waterfall. Reverse Waterfall
* Trump Threatens to Ban TikTok. TikTok was identified by the White House as a large national security threat that necessitated quick action. To date the ban never happened. Trump Threatens to Ban TikTok
* NASA warns an asteroid is headed for Earth. NASA turned heads in August after warning of an asteroid that was supposedly heading directly for Earth, and many were concerned that it could lead to our “impending doom.” Asteroid
* Macaulay Culkin turned 40?!?!?!
* West Coast wildfires. Deadly wildfires erupted from California to Washington state, burning millions of acres and displacing hundreds of thousands of people since mid-August. West Coast Wild Fires
* Firenado in California. The National Weather Service issued a warning in California for a “firenado.” NASA called this storm a “fire-breathing dragon of clouds.” Firenado
September
* 25,356,942 global coronavirus cases on September 1. Global Cases
* An airline offered people a ‘flight to nowhere’ and it sold out in just 10 minutes. Qantas offered people this unique experience, which was essentially a seven-hour scenic flight that started in Sydney, Australia and ended in Sydney, Australia. Passengers got to see some of the awe-inspiring sights of the country, such as Ayers Rock and the Great Barrier Reef, all while staying within Australia’s pandemic travel restrictions. 7-hour Flight to Nowhere
* We may have discovered the first proof of extraterrestrial life. Turns out Mars isn’t the planet most likely to sustain fellow lifeforms, but Venus. In September, scientists announced the discovery of phosphine on the planet, leading them to reach the conclusion that “something now alive is the only explanation for the chemical’s source. Life on Venus?
* Mothpocalypse. Like a biblical plague, for several weeks in the early fall swarms of moths descended upon Vancouver, Canada. Outbreaks of Western hemlock Looper moths occur every 11 to 15 years when environmental factors cause their populations to spike. Mothpocalypse
* Giant wooden penis part 1. A Canadian man living in New York had to fight to keep the giant wooden penis sculpture he carved in his front yard. Giant Penis Part 1
October
* 33,846,093 global coronavirus cases on October 1 Global Cases
* President Donald Trump and the first lady test positive for coronavirus. More than a dozen members of Trump’s circle also tested positive. Trump and first lady test positive for coronavirus
* “Aunt Becky” goes to Jail. Lori Loughlin pleaded guilty to one count of conspiracy to commit wire and mail fraud as part of the college admissions scandal. Loughlin was sentenced to two months in prison, a $150,000 fine, and 100 hours of community service. Her husband received a $250,000 fine, 250 hours of community service, and a five-month sentence. Aunt Becky Jailed
* Rudy Giuliani was caught in a compromising position with Borat’s fictional underage daughter. There were so many moments in Rudy Giuliani’s unbelievable streak of 2020 debasements: announcing Trump’s coup at a landscaping company’s parking lot next to a dildo store, melting at a different press conference, farting through testimonials for said coup. Rudy Giuliani caught in compromising position
* Water discovered on the Moon. Using the SOFIATelescope, NASA found water on the Moon’s sunlit surface for the first time. Water on the Moon
* A pair of gay penguins stole an egg from a pair of lesbian penguins. At the Amersfoort’s Dierenpark zoo, a pair of gay penguins stole an entire batch of eggs, to hatch as their own, from a lesbian couple. The gay penguins, named ‘Tux and Flipper’ have a reputation for causing trouble having previously stolen a single egg in 2019, which failed to hatch. Gay Penguins Desperate to be Fathers
* Donald Trump’s Twitter account was hacked by a man by guessing the password to his account. It was “maga2020!” Man Guesses Trump’s Twitter Password
* The Jeffrey Toobin incident. One the world’s most prestigious journalists (Jeffrey Toobin) working at one of the most prestigious magazines was fired for jacking off on a work Zoom call! Toobin Jerks Off
* China prepares for war. Chinese President Xi Jinping instructed troops to “put their minds and energy on preparing for war. China Prepares for War
November
* 45,968,798 global coronavirus cases on November 1 Global Cases
* Joe Biden becomes president-elect. Joe Biden became the 46th president of the United States, defeating President Trump. This was one of the most contentious elections in recent memory. Biden Elected 46th US President
* Flesh-eating eels. An image of an eel bursting out of a heron’s stomach in Delaware went viral this fall, because apparently, we all needed to add “flesh-eating eels” to the list of terrifying things in this wretched year Flesh-eating Eels
* A man fell into a sinkhole full of rats. A New York man fell through the sidewalk into a sinkhole full of rats, where he was stuck for over half an hour. Man Trapped in Pit with Rats
* Zombie mink. After an outbreak of the virus at several mink farms in Europe, the mammals were culled to prevent further spread. However, gas build-up in the mass mink graves led to the corpses literally rising from the dead. Zombie Mink
December
* 62,844,837 global coronavirus cases on December 1 Global Cases
* A dead guy was banned from his own funeral for sitting in a chair. A man was embalmed in a sitting position and placed in a chair, but when it arrived at the church, staff denied the body. entry. Deceased banned from Own Funeral
* Giant wooden penis part 2. Another giant penis story happened, this time in Germany. A notable giant wooden penis statue on a mountaintop mysteriously went missing. Giant Penis Part 2
* A dude sued his parents for throwing out his porn collection — and won. A Michigan judge ruled that Beth and Paul Werking will have to pay their son David, 42, as much as $75,000 for destroying his prized porn collection. Prized Porn Collection Destroyed
* Zombie Flies. Newly discovered fungi turn flies into zombies and devours them from the inside out. Zombie Flies
* A monolith of unclear origins was discovered in southeastern Utah. The isolated silver slab (not literally a “monolith” since it was made of metal and not stone. And then the Utah monolith suddenly disappeared, on the same day one in Romania popped up … only to vanish itself less than a week later. More have popped up all over the world. Mysterious Monoliths
* First Covid-19 vaccine was given. Margaret Keenan, 90, becomes the first person in the world to receive the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine shot outside of a trial, administered by nurse May Parsons, in Coventry, Britain. Covid-19 Vaccine
* COVID-19 officially spreads to every continent in the world. The first cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica were reported by Chile on 21 December, 2020. COVID-19 Officially Everywhere
* China recommends flight attendants wear diapers. It is recommended that cabin crew members wear disposable diapers and avoid using the lavatories. China recommends flight attendants wear diapers
* A Christmas Star appears for the first time in 800 years. Astronomers said Jupiter and Saturn will look like a double planet when they appear to nearly collide on Dec. 21, which is also the date of the winter solstice. The planets will then form a rare phenomenon known as a “Christmas star.” Christmas Star
* Santa Claus Rescued from Power Lines. Santa was not injured and was safely returned to solid ground. Santa Claus-rescued from power lines
* Christmas Monolith. A monolith appeared in San Francisco on Christmas Day – it was made out of gingerbread. Mysterious Gingerbread Monolith
* At time of publication there are 83,631,101 global covid-19 cases and 1,822,032 deaths due to covid-19. Global Coronavirus Tracker
If you’re just waiting to see 2020 solidly in the rearview mirror, you’re not alone. It’s been a long, stressful year for everyone—with more ups and downs than a theme park’s newest roller coaster. All across the world, people are looking forward to bidding goodbye to the challenging year that was 2020. Time to say so long 2020. You won’t be missed.
A good New Year’s Eve to all!
Canadian Girl in a Crazy World 